again, this post is for me...if you've found my way to my journal and are looking for portrait goodness...wait a couple hours, I'll return to the normal programming and have a gorgeous engagement session to show you. :)thirty eight.that is how old I am now.again, I never thought I'd live to see this old. ;)really, I thought Jesus would have come back for us by now...I just never dreamed past 21 growing up.maddie was asking me about that this trip...she wondered if because I never dreamed past 21if that allowed me to enjoy each season a little more...just cause' I didn't have any expectations at what these seasons of life would look like.I think that she is accidentally absolutely profound sometimes. :)I wanted to write down some things I've learned along the way up to 38, along with posting my amazing weekend from up north that my family took me on so I could see fall (my favorite season...christmas is an extremely close second) ;) ...

BE the kind of person you talk about being.

matt said something kind-of earth shattering to me as we talked about going up north.in our house, fall hits and things just get insane around here.work schedules, ministry schedules, kids sports schedules...you name it, it's on the schedule. ;)again, never thinking past 21 left me with little expectations on what life would be like with two teenagers...I thought that diaper-land was exhausting (and it was!)but managing this many people moving at warp speed is a whole different other level of exhausting! ;)matt and I were sitting on the floor of our bathroom (a lot of our deep life conversations happen here...we're weird.)and I was saying that maybe trying to take a trip when we have so much to do on the schedule and micah wasn't feeling the greatest...he dropped anchor and looked at me and said his earth shattering words:"are we going to be the kind of people we talk about wanting to be, or just talk about it?"told you, life changing words.and the best part is he doesn't even know he's being life changing when he says them. ;)but he's right.so many times I'll find myself talking about how I want to be...but the actual BEing doesn't always come to fruition.21,435 steps or 9.07 miles at 9,800 ft later from hiking around the inner basin trail in flagstaff while being surround by fall,I'm learning (slowly) to be a BE-er...not just a talker.talkers complain and are discontent, talkers whine about their lives not being where they want them to be...BE-er's get crap done. ;)at times I was literally moving my feet six inches a step (micah laughed and came and grabbed my hand to pull/help me at this point) ;)but you know what?I did it.I wanted to be a hiker for my first day of being 38 and with the help of my family, I got to be.

don't find your identity in whatever you're talented at,just do what God talented you to do...and do it well.HE talented you...HE should get the glory.don't take yourself too seriously.

I was recently chatting it up with a photographer.and he was asking me about my lighting settings, my camera bodies, my thought process in approaching portraits, what I thought of the dire importance and superiority of film, what my custom white balance was, what I thought about the "wannabe's or mwac's (mom's with a camera)", and whatever else seeeeeeeerious photographers ask other photographers.I genuinely had to smile at this guy.his attitude and questions led me to the conclusion that he was mostly condescending towards most in his profession...and whenever ever I see someone being condescending, I think about that quote:"What you say about others says more about you than them. What do your words say about the kind of person you are?"questioning me, and in doing so trying to feel a sense of superiority...his soul must be exhausted.here's a secret about me.I'm not really a photography techie.I just learn and do.it's the same way I learned in school...if you asked me to sit in a lecture and immediately take a test after being talked at for 3 hours, I'd fail.every. single. time. I'd fail.BUT, if you handed me what I was learning...I was able to touch it, take it apart, try it out in different settings and see how it works...I think I might succeed better at that.but you know what I've found to be even more true at succeeding (at least in my mind)?I know without a shadow of a doubt that no matter how I learn about a subject or in this case, photography...none of it matters in my soul unless God is getting the glory.I don't want to seem pretentious.I don't want to feel superior.I just want to be how He's made me to be...to the best of my ability.if that allows me a moment of glory in insta-land or on facebook...great.but it's not why I do what I do...it just isn't.I've found freedom in that.there have been times where I've been like the guy I was having a conversation with...but you know what?I'm not happy when I'm being that way it's all about me.at the core of it...He made me the way He did...I'm only supposed to be diligent with doing the best I can with what He's given me.

if you put yourself out there,you're going to be judged and talked about by people.learn to value the people that you've selected as importantand let the rest go mentally.always strive to be compassionate and kind to everyone.even if it isn't shown to you.

I'm a people pleaser by nature...so in even writing this I've wondered if I'm going to not please people.I have serious issues sometimes. ;)in my aspirations to gut this people-pleasing-ness,I've been reading through a book a friend shared on social media a while back.it's called Simply Tuesday: Small Moment Living in a Fast-Moving World.I love this book and feel like the woman who wrote the book is a friend in the same season of life.one thing that she wrote is really sticking with me in reading:"In my own life I've found it to be true that when I hold on to the wrong things, the wrong things hold on to me.attention, success and comparison hold my soul hostage and refuse to negotiate until they get what they want.spoiler alert: they want everything. and they are never satisfied. they will never let you go.BUT, we have a rescuer that saves us from the bondage of the lie that they whisper.my sister-in-law said this profound friend statement to me this summer when we visited her and the family:"I'm learning to be honest with everyone, but only transparent with a few."that's a hard lesson to learn when you're a people pleaser and are naive when it comes to people.not everyone has your best interest at heart.it is what it is.but learning to be transparent with the few godly friendships you DO have is good and worthwhile.it's a hard balance...and I'm still learning to find it.but slowly I'm learning to let go of the negativity that I just don't have to care about.the last thing that I want to remember about turning thirty eight is about:

the city gate

this is a concept I've had in my head in reading and re-reading what it means to be a proverbs 31 woman.if you're in christian circles like I am,I'm surprised at the groaning and rolling of the eyes that follows when you talk about this woman.probably because this woman is a rockstar.she is something for me to chase after being, because she was worth writing about in the Bible...I like how this commentary put her:"We do not find the stereotyped housewife occupied with dirty dishes and laundry,her daily life dictated by the demands of her husband and her children.Nor do we find a hardened, overly ambitious career woman who leaves her family to fend for itself.What we find is a strong, dignified, multi-talented, caring woman who is an individual in her own right.This woman has money to invest, servants to look after and real estate to manage.She is her husband’s partner, and she is completely trusted with the responsibility for their lands, property and goods.She has the business skills to buy and sell in the market,along with the heartfelt sensitivity and compassion to care for and fulfill the needs of people who are less fortunate.Cheerfully and energetically she tackles the challenges each day brings.Her husband and children love and respect her for her kind, generous and caring nature.But with all her responsibilities, first and foremost, she looks to God.Her primary concern is God’s will in her life.She is a woman after God’s own heart."good stuff and not at-all-eye-ball-rolling-worthy, in my mind. :)so why do I care about the city gate? and what even is the city gate?to me, the modern day version of the city gate is social media and in the public eye.it's where you present yourself...it's where your interests are posted,it's where people meet and chat...albeit it's not always deep...social media is a place where I think of being the same of what "the city gate" would have been back in the proverbs 31 woman's day.it's a place where business took place, where old friends met, where gossip happened,where people sat and chatted at publicly...the social media of the day.I want to be spoken well of by my husband, by my children, by the people around me at the city gate.how I speak on facebook (complaining or shallow, do I contribute negatively or positively),what I post on instagram (is it really picture worthy or am I just posting for a "like"?),what I pin on pinterest (could my daughter look at all my pins, am I spending too much time on it and not enough doing?),what I tweet on twitter (someone related twitter to listening to all of times square at one time...am I contributing or petty?).thirty-eight.not where I was in my early thirties...not where I hope to be at thirty-nine...but striving to be a BE-er.striving to find my identiy in Him.and striving to be spoken-highly of by my husband and children at the city gate.to be spoken well by these three...my rock - best friend - confidant - leader - love,the boy who brings me joy - who is more manly than boyish - who make me laugh - who pushes me to be better,and my peanut - more woman than girl most times now - my friend - my goofus - someone I admire often,...if I'm spoken highly by these three then I will be content at thirty nine. :)and finally, below is a photography bucket list shot for me.I'm not completely happy with the clarity...but shooting the milky way has always been a dream of mine...and being not completely happy just means I'll have to research and shoot it again! ;)

thirty eight.

BE the kind of person you talk about being.

don't find your identity in whatever you're talented at,just do what God talented you to do...and do it well.HE talented you...HE should get the glory.don't take yourself too seriously.

if you put yourself out there,you're going to be judged and talked about by people.learn to value the people that you've selected as importantand let the rest go mentally.always strive to be compassionate and kind to everyone.even if it isn't shown to you.

the city gate

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